Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Passing the Torch
I think that Steve's mother's ailment is already bringing us closer together. Not that we have ever had any problems, but there wasn't ever a huge bonding moment. During our talk on Sunday, she told me that she stopped worrying about Steve so much once we got together. Then, she mentioned that she was glad to see Jeff looking so much healthier and happier. Basically, she was saying that I am taking good care of them. I felt like she was passing the responsibility torch to me. She needs her rest now and feeling good about her sons will help.
Sunday morning, when I went out to get breakfast, Steve told his parents about our trip to the fertility doctor. When I got home, they had a thousand questions. It is kind of bizarre that her tumor is the same size as my cyst (5cm). Don't even think I am trying to compare my little problems with her cancer. I don't even want them to worry about me. I tried to explain that I am not suffering and that I see this as a few minor procedures in order to hopefully have children. Although, I think it is going to be more than that. For now, I'll just show up to my appointments and take care of whatever the doctor suggests, but this time is all about Sue.
She sent me this e-mail yesterday: Let me know what you are having and when. I'm thinking about you. Let's keep each other abreast of our health stuff, o.k.? I love you. Sue
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Everyone Needs Their Mother
Last Tuesday, most of my family went to Europe including the ones I talk to on the cell phone on a regular basis (my mom, 3 brothers & sister). Wednesday, after going into the fertility clinic, I felt really lost. I wanted to talk to my mom or sister about the news. Mothers are the best people to share many things with because nobody cares as much about it as your mother. So, I have been feeling very strange about not being able to. -Funny thing is that I have always tried to be extra tough & not homesick / missing my mom. She would probably feel elated to know I am cracking. Anyway, I started thinking about how nice it is to be able to call her whenever I want. When I was young & extra snotty, she used to tell me that one day I'd think of her as my best friend. For the record, she was wrong, mothers are more important than best friends.
This weekend, Steve's parents came to help us move. Last night, they asked if we could all have a little talk. His mother shared with us the fact that she has a golf sized tumor in her lung that has a high probability of being cancer. On top of that, it they think is in her lymph nodes. She has been experiencing a range of emotions & it was easy to see Steve's dad has been too. He asked us to pray for him to be strong too. He even mentioned that their 40th wedding anniversary is coming up in August and he got choked up thinking about it. I know this is going to be an extremely difficult time for them. I also know it is going to be excruciating for Steve and Jeff. Both of them are quite close to their mother. They call her practically every other day. She & I went shopping today for house items and had a chance to talk. This is not going to be easy for anyone, but I am going to do all I can to help all of them cope and be extra thankful that my mother is only in Europe.
By the way, I know that a few of you knew this news and that you have been dealing with similar situations with both of your parents. - We have been keeping you in our prayers too.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Appt Good & Bad...
Yesterday, while I was getting ready to go, I started feeling really nervous. I felt like we were going to be interviewed to see if we were worthy of parenthood, which kind of upset me because there are plenty of people who definitely shouldn't be parents & seem to have no problem. Anyway, I was fine when I got there & they were very nice.
I can't say that the appointment was horrible or great. We really liked the doctor. We had a long talk & I told her about the blood work the gyno did & how he said that my hormone level was low. She talked about different possibilities and about monitoring my progress on clomid (the most popular fertility drug). Then she did an ultrasound & found that I have quite a few cysts. One of them is almost definitely endometriosis. It is bigger than the size of a quarter. She kept asking me if I was sure that I didn't have horrible cramps. She told me they will probably need to operate to remove it & any scar tissue it has caused. She kept staring at me funny - then said you seem to be taking this well, most women start crying. I'm not overly emotional - remember that I don't have hormones??? Just kidding. Actually, I would rather have them find something that is causing it & we can start working on that then having some unknown reason.
I have to go in tomorrow for blood work. Steve has to do his little thing in the cup next week. Then in about two weeks, I have to go in for the most horrible test called hysterosalpingogram. I have heard horror stories about how painful it is. One of my friends said it hurt worse than child birth. Fortunately, it only lasts 5 minutes. I am glad they are going to do it though, because that will tell them if I have any problems with my tubes. I might have to get those lasered out in the surgery too. Did you know that they go in through the bellybutton for the surgery?
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Closer to ??
Our appointment with the Fertility Clinic is tomorrow. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I guess I am afraid of the pain of the hysterosalpingogram (thanks for sharing the nightmare stories about that), constantly thinking about whether all of this is working, paying a lot for something that might not even work, and the possible heartbreak of it not working or taking a long time. I don't want to be obsessed for months & months & months. I don't even like to talk about or deal with normal feminine issues. I have always been overly discrete about these things - perhaps because I grew up with 3 brothers & thought that it just wasn't fair.
Oh well - time to get very optimistic. What if it doesn't take much & all the sudden our dreams are coming true? What if we get lucky enough to have twins or triplets? (Then I'll have to beg my mom to come visit for a while.) - Point is I might as well just stay positive for now.
Monday, April 18, 2005
Walking on Eggshells
I am beginning to think the little incident last week was a good thing. They are acting very nice & I think they feel a little sorry for going overboard, especially since I am the least moody person here. On the other hand, they are also a bit cautious. By the way, I did send my boss an e-mail entitled "my side." I also mentioned that I think it is ok for me to get mad at someone sometimes. Perhaps, they will leave me alone this week. Steve & I worked long hours Saturday & Sunday. I am very sore & tired. I was actually glad to come back to work & sit at my computer all day.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
One of my co-workers went to a fertility clinic this week. She has had 3 miscarriages in the last year. Can you believe they put her on the pill? How is that supposed to get her pregnant? Actually, she has cysts blocking her tubes, which doesn't make sense that she got pregnant 3 times. I'm mentioning this because it gets my mind going. Sometimes I think that I am going to be diagnosed as nonfertile for "unknown" reasons. I hope not though. I guess there is no use worrying at this point. I can save that for next week.
Speaking of fertility issues, Steve's brother has been here for the last few days helping us prepare the house. It is a great thing because he is getting LOTS done. Now, he is considering moving down here & staying with us for 6 weeks or so until he gets settled in. I think it is a great thing for him because he needs a fresh start. Unfortunately, it will be right at the beginning of fertility treatments. How are we supposed to be overly romantic with a guest in the house? I know that kills the mood for me. :)
Monday, April 11, 2005
Disclaimer: By saying that I have always wanted to be a mother more than a wife in no way diminishes the love I feel for my husband. I just had low expectations of the relationship between a husband & wife. For heaven sakes, my parents got divorced for a reason. So, Steve is a wonderful surprise.
I have always wanted to be a mother. It has always been more important to me than being a wife or career woman although those things are nice too. I can't say I became a wife in a timely manner (I was 30), but the career woman came fairly quickly. I guess that is the only thing that I had control over. Well, now is the time to focus on something I have always wanted. Is this dream going to happen? I wish I knew.
Yesterday, while waiting for Steve to wake up, I flipped the tv on to the Discovery Health Channel. I watched two episodes of Adoption Stories. I love that show. The second one was especially touching. A couple in Arizona had tried unsuccessfully for 6 years to have a baby. When they realized it wasn't going to happen, they turned to adoption. Unfortunately for them, the husband had been in an accident & was in a wheel chair. He was completely capable & even regularly wins wheel chair sporting events. They had no luck adopting a domestic baby because birth mothers never chose them. They turned to international adoption & got the cutest little baby girl from Columbia. At the time of taping, the orphanage had 25 kids and 8 babies. It was also adorable & clean. The couple was so happy. What a touching story.
I looked up the information for the adoption agency online today. I am not saying that we are going to adopt, but I want to know all my options. I'm trying to stay overly optimistic for our appointment, which is in one week & two days.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Big Baby Step
Two entries in one day...
I made our first big step towards medically enhanced baby making by scheduling our initial consultation for April 20th. I am quite excited and nervous and many other emotions. All of the advice that I have received from friends has been wonderful, eye opening & terrifying. Thank you & please send more. I don't think I'll ever be done reading the multitude of information out there as well as the personal experiences until I have a couple of kids & then I'll be reading all about that.
Last week, I was beginning to feel major house depression. That is what I am calling the feeling that you'll never have enough money or time to renovate your house the way you would like/feels it needs. Combine that with the fact that I have NEVER wanted to live in the same place for the rest of my life or even a good portion of my life. I moved to Miami 6 years ago, fully expecting this to be a temporary location. Now, I am married & we've bought a house. For the first time in my life, roots are starting to sprout and I am not sure I like it. I have always enjoyed the adventure of moving to a completely strange place & meeting new people. Don't get me wrong - Miami is a STRANGE place, but I am not too impressed with the people. I have a couple of friends here, but in general this isn't a place either Steve or I would pick to settle & develop long lasting relationships.
Back to the subject - last week several of my friends from all over contacted me to congratulate us on the house. I really enjoyed talking to them and began to feel that desire to flee this place. Then realizing that we are strapped down to a house was quite overwhelming. After a long weekend of manual labor, I am too tired to care. I just want to finish the initial fix-ups and move in. Perhaps, next month I'll start dealing with the other wish in my life - a baby. :)